Five Reasons Why I Run

Melissa Ethridge came out with a song a few years ago about running for charity. I think it had something to do with running for breast cancer research, as she publicly battled the disease and is a breast cancer survivor herself. The tune of that song sometimes goes through my mind as I'm preparing for my runs or as I'm running. It's catchy and noble.

I'm all for the breast cancer research cause (my mom is a three year survivor). I'm down with Relay for Life and Susan G. Koman and all that. But we all can't be Melissa Ethridge. She runs for hope and life and light. I run for some pretty ignoble reasons.The first being about three months ago I was "let go" from my previous relationship of four years. Needless to say it was a shock, a nasty one at that, and I was not in agreement. But there was nothing I could do about it - he was done and drove two hours to my apartment to inform me that we were breaking up. If I hadn't been too stunned to move or form coherent sentences at the time, I would have punched him. It took a month or two for the numbness to wear off and my anger has since bubbled right to the surface. It takes a lot of effort not to punch the first guy I come across in Wegman's or the movie theatre or the waiting room at Midas. Running has become the way to channel all that emotional garbage that comes with, to put it very literally, dumped. So reason #1: I run so I don't punch someone.

On a related note, I will have to see this person who handed me my walking papers this May at the wedding of a mutual friend. And I don't just want to look good for the sake that I'll be in her pictures for the rest of time. I want to look "shoulda put a ring on it good" so he'll know exactly what he's lost. I'm positive he knows already, but it's more fun to rub it in. If my invite signifies I can bring a date, you bet I'll get someone from the local running club to come with me, just so we can talk about running around him and our other friends. Reason #2: I run for spite. And to look good/be healthy. But mostly spite.

As my social life has taken a turn, a lot of my free time since becoming single has been spent in my apartment, on the couch, with books, a lot of TV, my cat, and chocolate. I love reading, TV, my cat and chocolate (not even necessarily in that order!) but it gets old after a while. I also sit at a desk 80% of the time at work. I'm a fairly extroverted person, and I need to get up and move. Otherwise I just keep eating chocolate and if I do any more of that reason #2 will not work as well. I also need to make friends in Ithaca, rather than sit around idly pining for my friend group in Rochester. When it's nice enough to consistently run outside I'll set up a membership with the Finger Lakes Running Club and hopefully meet people through group runs and local races. I'm already signed up for two 5k's! Reason #3: I run because I'm bored.

As a child of the 80's, I can just say no to illegal drugs and tobacco with the best of them. Nancy Reagan would be really proud of me. I can also say no to things like blind dates, country music, sushi, and working weekends. What I can NEVER say no to, is Disney World. WDW is my drug of choice (sorry Nancy, I guess I did find something to develop a dependency on) and when some of my favorite INTERCOT friends began talking about meeting up at the 2014 Marathon Weekend event, I couldn't resist. We just have way too much fun together whenever we're all in the same place, especially at WDW. So when the runDisney events became more and more popular among the members of this awesome website, I made the decision to join them. The interest in actually running any of the races during the marathon came much later. Reason #4: I run because I'm a band wagoner.

For the second music reference of this entry, I quote to you some Les Miserables:
And show your Honor, 
you see it's true,  
That man bears no more guilt than you!  
Who am I? 
24601!

Jean Valjean spends the entire musical trying to answer the question of who he is. Are his actions lining up with his moral code? He is a criminal, a thief, has gone AWOL, assumed a false identity and he continues to lie and hide while seeking redemption. At the end of his life he's tried to make amends and relieve his guilt. Then Anne Hathaway comes to take his spirit home and on the way they run into Colm Wilkinson.

Guess what, Jean Valjean isn't the only one trying to answer this question. I'm not seeking the answer of who am I going to be for the rest of my life?, but rather who am I in this moment? I've had to redefine myself these past few months and reevaluate what I want, what I am about, and how I want to live my life. I've had to let go of a lot of dreams and goals that will now never come to pass. It's not easy grieving for a life I'll never live while trying to discover my new normal.While I was in my previous relationship I still had my sense of self, don't get me wrong, but it became more of a sense of "us" instead of just me. Therein lied the rub- there was never any sense of "us" from his perspective, just him with me attached like a motorcycle side car with an Eject button. So now what? I'm turning 30 this year, I'm still in an entry level job, have mountains of debt to pay, no relationship, no kids, living in a place I thought was temporary and is rapidly becoming more permanent than I think I want it to be. Is this who I want to be? I run because I can meditate on this as the treadmill belt goes round and round. I can think while my angry music blasts through the ear buds and while my trainer leans up against the wall not even trying not to look bored. I can ruminate over where my sense of self worth went and where I need to go in order to get it back. So finally and most importantly, Reason #5, despite all the aforementioned silly reasons: I run for me.